Thursday, November 8, 2007

Absurdities at Meijer

Maybe I'm in a weird mood today. Perhaps I'm a little slap happy. Maybe I was inspired by a email Sam sent me about 1977 apparel. Anyway, a quick trip into Meijer for a can of spray paint turned into a foray into the world of the absurd:

When you want to teach your children how to act spoiled & rich (Biblically, of course), here's the perfect solution. It has many improvements over a normal Bible. It's pinker. It's sparklier. It's no longer authored by some all-powerful, all-knowing entity. Now it's authored by the much more down-to-earth Sheila Walsh. After all, what could the King of Creation teach you about being a princess?

Next up: Bible Action figures! Yes! You too can play as Daniel in the lions' den! You too can make the ferocious lions do nothing while Daniel is around! I bet G.I. Joe wouldn't get out so lucky. If you look closely at the fine print on the box, it notes that if your child does act out Daniel being eaten by the lions, they in effect are teaching a heresy and could potentially be excommunicated. Daniel isn't the only model available. You could also own your own Esther, three wise men, David, Goliath, Noah, Mary & Joseph (with free baby Jesus in the manger), and Angel with Shepherd (comes with 2 sheep. Alas, no chorus).

Let's say you work for the U.S. Postal Service. You have a disgruntled co-worker whose name you've just drawn for the office Secret Santa. What to get them? The perfect solution: "Boss Hunter!" For just $4.99, you too can promote homicidal actions toward your office superiors! As the game notes: "Revenge is Sweet!"

Fourth: When you're wandering the aisle of Meijer, often you suddenly get cravings you might not've thought you would have otherwide. Meijer, however, is always prepared! Let's say you suddenly get a craving for a large log of preserved meat of questionable quality. Perfect! They just happen to have a huge pallet of Summer Sausage! Never mind that it isn't summer anymore; never mind that there's no guarantee of what's inside it, it's salty, it's preserved, it's sold in 2 pound logs by the pallet-full! Yum!

Finally: the perfect stocking stuffer for the troubled marriage. Headphones you can connect wirelessly to your television & stereo. "LISTEN...without distrubance!" As you can clearly see from the picture on the box, when the wifey is getting a little too bossy, just turn on the TV, turn on your wireless headphones, and make her sit there and watch the TV without any sound! You can't hear her talk, and she can't hear the TV! It's the perfect solution to a marriage suffering from too much communication!

Seriously though, Meika and I surely must be on similar wavelengths today. I had decided to post on my trip to Meijer today before leaving the store. Just before sitting down to start this post, I just happened to check her blog. Turns out we're topically similar today. Also, if any legal representatives for Meijer happen upon this blog: I really like Meijer. Yay, Meijer!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We certainly (at least you kids) could certainly come up with something equally absurd to make a lot of money at Christmas time! And here, all this time, we have just laughed at your nonsense instead of trying to market it!

Have you ever heard the rationale that if you are a child of the King you are a prince or princess? Mom